Humour

Beren wrote:

Ah, close ,close Mudra
But no...

Blueberry Trainers Elephants Pants (Medium)





Love from me
mudra

mudra wrote:

Beren wrote:

Ah, close ,close Mudra
But no...

Blueberry Trainers Elephants Pants (Medium)





Love from me
mudra

Dangerously close!!!

I`ll cut the chase...
He wears blue all star converse...

Beren wrote:

Dangerously close!!!

I'll stay on the watch and keep a safe distance then Beren.



Love from me
mudra

Do you know everything ? (no offence intended!)

Quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 12 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter 'S.'

THIS IS PRETTY COOL
HAVE A GREAT DAY


1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . .Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Twelve punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S' .. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART..... Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person

Well, my job's done!

'You can not control the wind... BUT you can adjust your sails'

Carol would you be interested in buying my new e-book?

How I traveled to the Planet Bikini- and Survived.

Email from one of my Canadian friends.


Nominee for Best CANADIAN Joke of the year...

A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada
He stops the first person he sees walking down
the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country,
giving me housing,
Money for food, free medical care, and free education!"

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Jamaican."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.
"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here
in Canada!"

The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he
sees he stops,
Shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the
wonderful Canada!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle
East , I am not Canadian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Canadian?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"
The African lady checks her watch and
says..."Probably at work."

Carol wrote:

Floyd wrote:Carol would you be interested in buying my new e-book?

How I traveled to the Planet Bikini- and Survived.

No

Perhaps then Carol you would be interested in purchasing my sequel to How I went to the Planet Bikini and Survived

It is titled 'Return to the Planet Bikini- The Legend of Thongia.

It is soon to be made into a feature film based on real events of my second Journey there. It details how I was forced against my will, along with the entirely female population of the Planet Bikini, to believe in the existence of a doomsday planet the ruling Priestesses called Thongia, who they said would one day return to the near orbit of the Planet Bikini. This terrible planet was populated by half crocodile half kangaroo like beings who were come back to the planet Bikini to eat everyone. This is the grip of fear the High Priestess of Bikini held their subjects in.

At first I revolted and refused to believe and was tortured for my resistance to the Legend of Thongia. This torture however was not entirely unenjoyable and even though I escaped I would return to the Planet Bikini for a third time.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much che aper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ..... so does she...


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ... 'HEBREWS'


The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

O Cético e o Lúcido


No ventre de uma mulher grávida estavam dois bebês. O primeiro pergunta ao outro:

1- Você acredita na vida após o nascimento?
2- Certamente. Algo tem de haver após o nascimento. Talvez estejamos aqui principalmente porque nós precisamos nos preparar para o que seremos mais tarde.

1- Bobagem, não há vida após o nascimento. Como verdadeiramente seria essa vida?
2- Eu não sei exatamente, mas certamente haverá mais luz do que aqui. Talvez caminhemos com nossos próprios pés e comeremos com a boca.

1- Isso é um absurdo! Caminhar é impossível. E comer com a boca? É totalmente ridículo! O cordão umbilical nos alimenta. Eu digo somente uma coisa: A vida após o nascimento está excluída - o cordão umbilical é muito curto.
2- Na verdade, certamente há algo. Talvez seja apenas um pouco diferente do que estamos habituados a ter aqui.

1- Mas ninguém nunca voltou de lá, depois do nascimento. O parto apenas encerra a vida. E afinal de contas, a vida é nada mais do que a angústia prolongada na escuridão.
2- Bem, eu não sei exatamente como será depois do nascimento, mas com certeza veremos a mamãe e ela cuidará de nós.

1-- Mamãe? Você acredita na mamãe? E onde ela supostamente está?
2- Onde? Em tudo à nossa volta! Nela e através dela nós vivemos. Sem ela tudo isso não existiria.

1- Eu não acredito! Eu nunca vi nenhuma mamãe, por isso é claro que não
existe nenhuma.
2- Bem, mas às vezes quando estamos em silêncio, você pode ouvi-la cantando, ou sente, como ela afaga nosso mundo. Saiba, eu penso que só então a vida real nos espera e agora apenas estamos nos preparando para ela...

PENSE NISSO.....


Esta questão é a mesma de não acreditar em vida após a morte!!!
Tudo depende de um ponto de referência. Usar o óbvio para explicar o duvidoso.

Aliás... "Como será a vida após a morte?

As Art Linkletter always said "Kids say the darndest things"


Children Writing About the Ocean


1) - An octopus has eight testicles.
(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth just like Emily Richardson, She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an Xxxxxxx on the top of its head. (Billy, age

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7) [b]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgjXfFMah8

I wonder if they could apply the pig's sexual gifts (30 minute long orgasms) to humans via some sort of transplantation?! I know they use pig-skin for pig to human skin-grafts. I once attended a lecture where Dr. Leonard Baily showed pictures of the 'Baby Fae' Baboon to Human heart-transplant surgery. Cyclosporin could not overcome ABO barrier problems -- unfortunately. The joke in the Bay Area is 'I Left My Heart in Palo Alto'!! (at Stanford) I heard about some guy who got his you know what rebuilt using part of one of his ribs. When he healed, they let him out of Bellvue Hospital for a six-hour trial. He came back three days later, exclaiming 'Doc!! You gotta get one of these!!!' (Source is 'The Making of a Surgeon' by William Nolan) When an electrode stimulating the sexual-center of a rat's brain was implanted -- and actuated via a lever in the cage -- the rat eventually lay down on the lever!!! BTW -- Pavlov Was a Dog!! Once, when 'Rufus' ('Dogma') asked me how I was doing -- I answered 'For Me -- Life is Just One Big Orgasm!!!' Another time, he asked me the same question, and I answered 'I'm Stuck on F!@#$d!!' 'Rufus' had the best Sci-Fi Comics!! He told me about the 'Excrementals' in 'Dogma' before I had even heard of 'Dogma'!! He once mentioned something about 'Opening Up My Third-Eye'. He also told me about an Egyptian movie where an Alpha Raven or Crow arrogantly exclaimed 'KAA!!' So every time I saw 'Rufus' I'd look at him out of the corner of my eye and then defiantly exclaim 'KAA!!' Remember that Alanis was quiet, crazy, and funny -- and was a female hidden in a male body. Interesting.

Laughed till I cried....my kinda kid!