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51 posters
Humour
Threecaster- Posts : 389
Join date : 2011-10-25
Location : Octopus' Garden @ SSAN
devakas- Posts : 2038
Join date : 2010-04-10
Makana Plays Protest Song for 45 Minutes at Obama's APEC Dinner
Occupy with Aloha
Troy Are Us- Posts : 16
Join date : 2011-11-28
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Subject: Puns for the Erudite
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
--------------------
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
---------------------
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down..You'll just have to be a little patient."
---------------------
4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
----------------------
5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.."
----------------------
6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
----------------------
7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that.... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one). (This one is really old!)
-----------------------
8. A skeptical anthropologist was recording South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.
1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates,
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
--------------------
2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
---------------------
3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down..You'll just have to be a little patient."
---------------------
4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression -- "He who has a Tate's is lost!"
----------------------
5. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.."
----------------------
6. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
----------------------
7. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that.... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you may need help with this one). (This one is really old!)
-----------------------
8. A skeptical anthropologist was recording South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
When You Have to Go
There I was, sitting in stopped traffic
I knew I should have gone before I left, but was a bit late
Now the urge was approaching
Maybe the traffic will open up and I'll get to that bathroom yet....
What else could I have done?
Well, I know some people wear those baby diapers
But I'm too much a man to use THOSE
I mean, who else would wear those?
Hm, astronauts wear them
No flights were held due to one having to get back out of that suit to go to the bathroom
Those super absorbant pants were a spin off of the space industry
Fighter pilots wear them
I can hear them say, 'wait right up here I have to land and use the bathroom'
I bet even race car drivers wear them
Their pit stop isn't like our pit stop
And to think about it all 3 wear those jump suits...
And then I took my water pill this morning on top of the coffee...
And if it weren't that it was my day for driving the car pool.....
There I was, sitting in stopped traffic
I knew I should have gone before I left, but was a bit late
Now the urge was approaching
Maybe the traffic will open up and I'll get to that bathroom yet....
What else could I have done?
Well, I know some people wear those baby diapers
But I'm too much a man to use THOSE
I mean, who else would wear those?
Hm, astronauts wear them
No flights were held due to one having to get back out of that suit to go to the bathroom
Those super absorbant pants were a spin off of the space industry
Fighter pilots wear them
I can hear them say, 'wait right up here I have to land and use the bathroom'
I bet even race car drivers wear them
Their pit stop isn't like our pit stop
And to think about it all 3 wear those jump suits...
And then I took my water pill this morning on top of the coffee...
And if it weren't that it was my day for driving the car pool.....
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
HigherLove- Posts : 2357
Join date : 2011-01-27
Age : 58
Thanks. Still working on the internet connection. It seems stable, but then again, so do I, upon occasion.
_____________
Great jokes Carol. I just had a nice giggle fit.
If one can handle the intensity of Margaret Cho, she does a great bit on being stuck in L.A. traffic while she was on an all-persimmon diet.
Mercuriel- Admin
- Posts : 3497
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Walking the Path...
_________________
Namaste...
Peace, Light, Love, Harmony and Unity...
Threecaster- Posts : 389
Join date : 2011-10-25
Location : Octopus' Garden @ SSAN
Allright...The rate at which this thread decends to the bottom of the page is apparently directly proportional to the amount of abject seriousness around here...gonna have to fix that...
(note...!NSFW!)
But it's the damn truth...Aerosmith wrote a great line: "There's something right with the world today, and everybody knows it's wrong."
http://billsussman.net/post/10593258482
(note...!NSFW!)
But it's the damn truth...Aerosmith wrote a great line: "There's something right with the world today, and everybody knows it's wrong."
http://billsussman.net/post/10593258482
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
We know how to have a good time Threecaster. Just ask Floyd and TRANCOSO. 
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he asked him.
“I”m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I”m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bas-tards!”
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to the lover, “into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he asked him.
“I”m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I”m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bas-tards!”
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
UNDER THE SCOTSMAN'S KILT
This is a hoot!!!
You'll be humming it all day...
VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
WARNING - Robin Williams does his f*ing Scottish gibberish shtick
This is a hoot!!!
You'll be humming it all day...
VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=MZ35SOU9HTM
WARNING - Robin Williams does his f*ing Scottish gibberish shtick
Last edited by Carol on Wed Dec 14, 2011 11:31 pm; edited 2 times in total
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
lindabaker- Posts : 1385
Join date : 2010-04-15
Location : straight ahead
[quote="Carol"]We know how to have a good time Threecaster. Just ask Floyd and TRANCOSO. :lol!:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. ... “Those little bas-tards!”[/quote]
Oh, I just saw this one and nearly spit and sprayed tea all over my laptop.I could just hear the Irish accent saying: Bas-tards. Hee hee I want more IRISH jokes, I love them!
Edit: okay here's one and if the humor is too bawdy, please let me know and I'll not do it again:
**********
Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."
His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. ... “Those little bas-tards!”[/quote]
Oh, I just saw this one and nearly spit and sprayed tea all over my laptop.I could just hear the Irish accent saying: Bas-tards. Hee hee I want more IRISH jokes, I love them!
Edit: okay here's one and if the humor is too bawdy, please let me know and I'll not do it again:
**********
Two married friends are out drinking. One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."
His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."
Threecaster- Posts : 389
Join date : 2011-10-25
Location : Octopus' Garden @ SSAN
It works for me!Let's see....literally, metaphorically, and philosophically...I think that covers it!
Threecaster- Posts : 389
Join date : 2011-10-25
Location : Octopus' Garden @ SSAN
And now, Here is something we hope you'll really like!
You do realize that this, is us? Yes? Do you understand?
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
VIDEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=bETCusT5kNM
The cat came back.
The cat came back.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 31785
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Dy6uLfermPU
Monty Python - Crunchy Frog
Monty Python - Crunchy Frog
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
lindabaker- Posts : 1385
Join date : 2010-04-15
Location : straight ahead
Those crazy Americans in Belgium
[youtube]http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/lXKDu6cdXLI?rel=0[/youtube]
Sanicle- Posts : 2228
Join date : 2011-02-28
Location : Melbourne, Australia
lindabaker- Posts : 1385
Join date : 2010-04-15
Location : straight ahead
Ha ha sanicle we both posted the same video within minutes of each other. Probably got it from the same report this morning: The Future Edition, right?
Brook- Posts : 3469
Join date : 2010-08-21
Age : 70
I hope you get paid well to shill David's site. Isn't enough enough? We've seen it already dude!
lindabaker- Posts : 1385
Join date : 2010-04-15
Location : straight ahead
Hay, Brook, maybe that's why he posted the link in the humor site, ha hee hee.
Troy Are Us- Posts : 16
Join date : 2011-11-28
- Post n°350
That is the first One question http://www.giantredplanet.com
Troy Are Us Tue Dec 20, 2011 5:05 am