Humour

Oh no! It's the faulty logic of the slippery slope/domino effect come to life. We are just one step away from legalizing marriage to our pets.

It's nice to see that post DADT repeal, they are all finally being honest -

I really do not go looking for this silly stuff. It finds me. :op

I have a pretty broad concept of humor. I guess I still have some waking up to do.

As a gay man, I find this both fascinating and funny.

It's just that after this happened, he went and did all of the stereotypical things. He seems quite happy, so no smiles are at his expense.

I can see a new opening line for the talk with the parents: "Uh, mom...remember that time I fell down and had a mini-stroke..., well..."

__________________________

A 19-stone rugby player ditched his fiancée and became a hairdresser after suffering a stroke and waking up gay.

Chris Birch worked in a bank and was engaged to be married when a freak accident changed his life.

The 26-year-old broke his neck as he attempted a back flip in front of his mates at rugby training.


Read more: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-world/2011/11/09/19-stone-rugby-player-becomes-gay-hairdresser-after-stroke-115875-23548968/#ixzz1dDeGmyc2

While looking for any fabulous details about my Diva, I checked out a link to Rachel Maddow on Herman Cain. While she begins with pointing out that he is speaking of Pokemon (Donna sang the theme song he quotes), she continues it on. And on.

Laugh or cry...

Goddess help us.

Muriel! (Hey, can we get a little Courage the Cowardly Dog emoticon? hehehe


Maddow realizes that Herman Cain is an art project!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9Ze-ejTC7c&feature=youtube_gdata_player


The Mystery of Herman Cain and the Donna Summer Lyrics

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/08/did_herman_cain_know_he_was_qu.html

Nothing strange about that on the surface, until you Google the quote and you realize that these words of wisdom were uttered not by a poet, but by disco queen Donna Summer in her song "The Power of One." Even more bizarre, this isn't even one of Summer's classic hits — she recorded it just over a decade ago as the theme song for Pokémon: The Movie 2000.

SWIFTY

The song "The Power of One" was a collaboration between producer David Foster and writers Mervyn Warren and Mark Chait, with Donna Summer on vocals.

Source:

Billboard Magazine Jul 15, 2000 page 21

I'm a charter member!






And strictly for Mercurial's benefit, Here it is, in context...
http://mistsofavalon.heavenforum.org/t1773p60-greetings#59181

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”. Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... That these windows would pay for themselves in a year!!! Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

What a great way to get in touch with your bank, any trouble then remember this letter, keep a copy for reference maybe




86-year Old Lady's Letter to Bank: Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH.

#1. To make an appointment to see me.

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press * for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Hilarious Video...

It's 2011 and....

Mayor fears town will turn gay from water

A mayor in a South American country is warning its citizens that drinking the town’s water will turn them gay. Mayor Jose Benitez says the water (find out which kind) contains the mineral strontium (what is it?) that reduces male hormones.

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/mayor-fears-town-will-turn-gay-from-water

Uh...if I thought it worked...

Little Britain USA - Mildred lectures her grandson about smoking cigarettes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df1OxHhAh_g

"Mildred, let's chase that dragon". LMAO

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this
is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the
mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true..

A cheese Sandwich walks in the bar and says.. "Hiya love, could I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of salted peanuts please".

The bar maid frowned and looked the sandwich up and down with a mocking condescension before replying, "Im sorry sir, we don't serve food in here"


With that the sandwich walked out in disgust only to be abducted by a piloted craft disguised as a giant pickled onion and taken to the planet Zong.

Carol wrote:ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only splenda and sugar.)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this
is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.' (keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the
mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'


Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true..

That reminds me of a few ones from one guy who is a hairdresser in USA. He said that there was a call from one lady to a big hair color manufacturer in CA on their hot line and woman screamed in panic : " The color fell into my eye, what should I dooo?"

???

I mean rinse... it`s done in three easy steps;

1.go to the bathroom or kitchen
2.unleash the tap water
3.rinse


Second of his pearls was (or was it from someone else I heard) that a woman came to color her hair blonde. She was satisfied but after four weeks came angry with accusation that color has faded off to brown again!

Stylist stated that it`s her regrowth that is showing after four weeks but on top of that she stated that her hair grows from the ends...




I`d give her a flower for that...

Floyd wrote:A cheese Sandwich walks in the bar and says.. "Hiya love, could I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of salted peanuts please".

The bar maid frowned and looked the sandwich up and down with a mocking condescension before replying, "Im sorry sir, we don't serve food in here"


With that the sandwich walked out in disgust only to be abducted by a piloted craft disguised as a giant pickled onion and taken to the planet Zong.

Following your lines here;

a Serbian weight loss secret;

Wanna lose some weight?
Make a whole in your spoon...

Now, that is funny.

---

"Ok...I gotta tell ya...

This was the best party I've been to in a long time. I'd say there were about 30-35 people, all laughing and getting a little rowdy, a little bawdy...early on, I did overhear the words "over 21 activities" immediately followed by "count me in". This already has my sensors on yellow alert.

The players:

Geanie, Matt;s wife., who has

her Daughter and

Geanie's Daughter's husband Earnie, who is the player here.

Daphnie (friend of Matt & Charlie)

Susan Strange Girl (friend of Daphnie)

I'm in the living room, which is open to the kitchen (small house) and Daphnie is telling math jokes. This naturally aroused my intrest and I listen in. A few minutes later I go into the kitchen for something and we end up telling physics jokes to each other, and I end with a different version of the joke Daphnie started with (which I did not hear...)

Then I go out and go to the bathroom. When I come out, back into the living room, there are several people standing around, and the kitchen is now telling dirty jokes. I say, to no one in particluar,:

"I didn't think scientists got invited to these kinds of parties." Enter Susan Strange Girl. She was standing in the living room and whirled around and asked "What kind of scientist?" This plainly caught me off guard, and I did my best John Cleese "um...what?" and she asked me again.

This girl is average figure, medium length brown hair with large curls. Thirty-something; she's wearing something like an office safari outfit. This is a beige coat-vest over some sort of light flannel print shirt, and I think khanki pants or something...and sensable shoes...
I think of a background character in Sex and The City or something...

I tell her "Electro mechanical and Quantum Physics". So she lights up and says she likes that sort of thing.

Now, the squirell that is running my brain, sees three or four warning lights on his control panel, indicating a high probability of bullshit. But she is dressed geeky enough, so I give her a chance. I decide to challenge her and go deep.

"I'm a subscriber to the Many Worlds Theory, where our Now is controlled by our thoughts to steer through the continuity we perceive as time."

She sort of brightens up and says "Many Worlds...yes! yes!" The music is loud and we are having to repeat, so we are kind of close in order to understand each other. I get more warning lights. "Vague, Agreeable, Responses" and Repeating of Key Words."

We have two or three more exchanges, each one more progressively confusing than the last, when suddenly, to my abject terror I come to the horrific realization that THIS GIRL IS HITTING ON ME.

My whole Xxxxxxxx panel lights up in red and starts flashing. My little squirell is going WTF!!!?? Nobody said this was going to happen!" I'm Xxxxxxxx panicking! In the center of the panel is a little light that says "Keep Talking" and now I'm like, WTF, what do I talk about? what the hell have I got lying around? Brian Greene! (has a show on PBS)

and I say "Do you like Brian Greene?" and she lights up even more and says "I've watched him on PBS."

Well, at this point, this contradicts my current theory, short circuits my XXXX, and I can't decide if she's really hitting on me, or if she's being sincere, and is just coming across awkwardly...

She starts to say something, while I'm trying to get back on my feet, and Daphnie swoops in, hooks Susan in her arm and drags her off to the kitchen. The look on Susan's face was like, wait! what! No....

I'm like: oh.....thank god!!! And I do what any respectable husband would do, I RUN! Quickly!

I made my hasty getaway down to the back deck. Charlie was there and seemed rather non-plussed about my encounter. This was seriously Xxxxxxxx with me though. Seriously, this girl was creeping me right the XXXX out...I could not figure her out, and I didn';t know how to handle it.

Now, It gets better.

I hang out on the deck with that gang for a little while. but this girl is in my head. I'm Xxxxxxxx terrified that I'm going to bump into her again. Finally I decide I have to find out if she's actually a geek, or if she's some sort of charlatan.

I'm walking back up outside to the front. By now I've had two beers, and I have half a third in my hand, and decide I'm done. The one in my hand is still cold, and I think "Maybe Susan would not think it was too weird to drink the rest of this beer." and decide to ask her, right as I'm coming up to the front door.

Now, what happens next takes place in the span of probably, less than five seconds:

I open the front door and step inside, to see Earnie and Daphnie standing facing each other, both in front of me,
Susan is on the other side of them, and is already giving me the high eyebrows saying "oh! Hi There!".

As I'm stepping in, Daphnie turns to me and says something, but I'm caught off guard and have no context and didn't catch it. Then she turns and whops Earnie right in the nuts, and he bows over and yells out a tremendous OWWWW!

This naturally stops me dead in my tracks. I then get a flash photograph of the scene in front me, with the caption:

"This is a preview of your fate if You go over there and share a beer with that girl."

I spin on my heels and head right back out the door I came in through.....laughing my XXX off the entire way back down to the back yard....

So you should be very proud of me....I'm still just like....WTF?...I mean really?

(I cannot help but think there is a bit of a conspiracy between Earnie, Susan, and Daphnie, as Earnie's, "OW" seemed almost authentic....and as I was out the door, someone else said, "and there he goes.", Which sounds a lot like the second half of "here he comes...")

so very bizzare....

Overall we had a great time, My pants never left their natural state, and Matt & Geanie are doing great.

I need to get out more often, just so I can learn to defend myself!

I love you so very much, and I enjoyed telling everyone (except Susan!) how you and I had an Infinity in the kitchen!


Hope all is well...

I have been trying to log on for a while just to say that was hilarious and insightful. I understand so much more about Gregg now, as weird as that may sound.

Those who found this story to be funny may also be interested in looking up last week's episode of Saturday Night Live, if you have not already seen it. They do a parody of Tempurpedic mattresses...all of the things a guy can do on his side of the bed without waking up his wife.

Actually...that is not funny. It is outrageous, which most likely does not come as news to those who are far more awake than I.

hmm...Yea... I saw those covers somewhere else as well.

You may realize that this action is much more than just an action of padding; it actually reveals the true nature and alliances of the entities running the magazine. Those of who have learned to feel know exactly what I mean...

And truly they think they represent their own little yin and yang, when soon it is that they will realize that the little circle is riding on a giant wave of a much larger cycle.

Those of us who are attuned to these cycles easily see through this blatant abuse of the privilege. (or see to the blatant abuse of the privileged?) Floyd? are you knocking?

And now....

a metaphorical gif:




if you are having trouble establishing your metaphor...try tuning your reality to a broader frequency band, and keep moving towards the light...

This concludes our broadcast for this evening.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:
A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
One note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!