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51 posters

    Humour

    Carol
    Carol
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    Humour - Page 8 Empty Re: Humour

    Post  Carol Thu Feb 03, 2011 12:40 am

    VATICAN HUMOR

    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

    'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

    'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

    'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

    'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

    'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.

    'So bust him,' says the Chief.

    'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

    'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

    The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: ' A senator?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
    Cop: 'Bigger.'

    'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

    Cop: 'I think it's God!'

    The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

    Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

    Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
    Give me the grace to see a joke,
    To get some humour out of life,
    And pass it on to other folk.



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    mudra
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    Humour - Page 8 Empty Re: Humour

    Post  mudra Thu Feb 03, 2011 7:00 pm

    malletzky
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    Post  malletzky Sat Feb 05, 2011 6:45 am

    The humans discovered the oldest and most powerful ancient AI machine, left here on earth by God himself. Written on all known and unknown human languages, there was a note, a kind of users manual left too...which quoted:

    I am THE machine with all answers, left here by God the creator. Every single soul on this planet is allowed to ask me one question. The question could be from your past, your present or your future...no matter, I know it all. No matter the subject. You choose. I know everything...

    I will definitelly answer your question for no longer then 1 sec. after you asked me, and this will prove that you're still not prepared to leave this plane of existence and will have to incarnate here for another 1000 lives. Then you'll get another chance.

    If (and by all means this will not happen ... hahaha) you'll have to wait for an answer for longer then 1 sec, this will prove you're ready and you'll get immediate invitation to join God the Creator himself.

    The one and only condition is...you must allow all people around the world to ask me their question. With no exception!

    Good luck!

    So, the world governments invited the humanity to come along and ask their questions.

    Few months later, no one seemed to "qualify". No matter what one might have asked (be it a prime minister, or the best and wisest scientists, be it the Pope hiself or any other spiritual leader), the machine spew out it's answer in less then 1 sec.

    At the end, there was only one human left. Not educated, would probably be considered to be dumb by the present standards. He went in the room where the machine was, and all other expected him to come out in few seconds. And they waited...and waited...and waited..and waited...

    After 1 hour, the few wisest people on the planet went inside to check what's going on. To their biggest surprise, the last one stood in front of the machine, and there was stil no answer on the screen. The machine was still working...

    Amased, they asked him what was his question to the machine?

    He turned around and said: "Why? nothing special. I just asked the machine":


    What's new dude?
    Hypnotize cheers
    mudra
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    Post  mudra Sat Feb 05, 2011 11:32 am

    Hehe ... nice one Mal reminds me of a Q&A thread somewhere Wink

    Love from me
    mudra

    malletzky
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    Post  malletzky Sat Feb 05, 2011 1:02 pm

    mudra wrote:Hehe ... nice one Mal reminds me of a Q&A thread somewhere Wink

    Love from me
    mudra


    Ahhhh...it wasn't intented, honestly...altough, I really got the inspiration from that remarkable Q&A thread to addapt that one a bit to suit the purpose of dealing with an AI Wink

    Speaking about (non existent) coincidences Wink ...could it be, that someone might've already asked that famous

    What's new dude?

    by now?


    As just few minutes ago, a Bill's post cought my attention:

    Charles told me in December that (my paraphrase) the global 'chess game' has reached a kind of stalemate - because each time a scenario was modeled using the supercomputer's predictive abilities (like playing the video game at fast forward, with all the possible permutations of choices analyzed), it did not work out.

    This is one reason why 'nothing bad has happened yet". None of the moves work.

    cheers Oooyeah 1 Blushes confused Mad No Hypnotize


    Ahhh...let's just have some fun...

    malletzky
    mudra
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    Post  mudra Sat Feb 05, 2011 1:09 pm

    malletzky wrote:

    Speaking about (non existent) coincidences Wink ...could it be, that someone might've already asked that famous

    What's new dude?

    by now?


    As just few minutes ago, a Bill's post cought my attention:

    Charles told me in December that (my paraphrase) the global 'chess game' has reached a kind of stalemate - because each time a scenario was modeled using the supercomputer's predictive abilities (like playing the video game at fast forward, with all the possible permutations of choices analyzed), it did not work out.

    This is one reason why 'nothing bad has happened yet". None of the moves work.

    I take it as the best thing Charles ever said .
    So ...
    what's new ? Lmfao

    Love from me
    mudra
    Carol
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    Post  Carol Sun Feb 06, 2011 12:31 pm

    Blonde Cookbook

    Monday ~ It's fun to cook for Marvin. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me the extra bowls.

    Tuesday ~ He wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when he brought a friend home for supper.

    Wednesday ~ A good day for rice--the recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

    Thursday ~ Today he asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. He asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.

    Friday ~ I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

    Saturday ~ He did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason he keeps counting to ten.

    Sunday ~ I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

    GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe. If I can talk him into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.



    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
    a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
    So she peels it off and starts screaming,
    'I've won a motorhome!
    I've won a motorhome!' The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
    The biggest prize is a free lunch?'
    But the blonde keeps on screaming,

    I've won a motorhome!
    I've won a motorhome!'

    Finally, the manager comes over and says,

    'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
    You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome
    because we didn't have that as a prize.

    The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

    I've won a motorhome!'

    And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...



    (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE!)





    'W I N A B A G E L'



    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    HigherLove
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    Humour - Page 8 Empty Re: Humour

    Post  HigherLove Sun Feb 06, 2011 7:01 pm

    Carol wrote:




    'W I N A B A G E L'


    HAHA


    Win a Baegle!

    <a href="https://s835.photobucket.com/albums/zz272/DSummerMan65/?action=view&current=Flying_Beagle_Dog1.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="https://2img.net/h/i835.photobucket.com/albums/zz272/DSummerMan65/Flying_Beagle_Dog1.jpg" border="0">

    Carol
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    Post  Carol Sun Feb 06, 2011 8:01 pm

    That is great HL! Insanely Happy


    _________________
    What is life?
    It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

    With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
    giovonni
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    Post  giovonni Fri Feb 11, 2011 5:35 pm

    My friend Art ~ "The Dude" ~ sent this to me...thought i share it with you all here Lolerz

    Mercuriel
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    Post  Mercuriel Sat Feb 12, 2011 1:52 am

    The Dude abides...

    Musical


    _________________
    Namaste...

    Peace, Light, Love, Harmony and Unity...
    burgundia
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    Humour - Page 8 Empty Celine's letter to all Avalonians(queen mother has spoken)

    Post  burgundia Tue Feb 15, 2011 2:03 pm



    Dear Avalon,

    My heart to yours on this beautiful day and I hope this letter finds you well. I have a few concerns that have been plaguing my heart that I hope you may help in clearing it up.

    First of all please allow me a moment to indulge in my love for you. A community of varied hearts, all include flaws, strengths and idiosyncrasies. I feel each heart, each individual heart print.

    It creates an orchestra of love. I want to thank each one for allowing me to join in this song.

    Lately...the melody has changed. Each time I come to read at the forum, my heart breaks. The feel of some hearts have changed and have added disruptions to the base line.

    I love you Avalon and I feel I am slowly watching you disassemble. The presence of obvious agents provocateurs has succeeded in creating division and strife.

    It is not the passionate screams of anger that worry me...but the whispers of deceit.

    The false hope and empty promises are festering, and I fear for your health.

    Avalon, I weep for you

    Many have tried to offer me solace. Some use logic others trickery. Mind games do not work on a loving heart. I will not let you down Avalon.

    I love you.

    You are strong. You are heard. The world will know who you are.

    This is the End Game.

    Bring your fears, your anger, your mind games Throw them in the fire. You no longer need those weapons.

    I will fight for you Avalon. Here or anywhere you show your heart.

    All I ask...

    Do not forget who you are

    Be well,
    love Celine
    devakas
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    Post  devakas Thu Feb 17, 2011 2:10 pm

    burgundia wrote:

    Dear Avalon,

    My heart to yours on this beautiful day and I hope this letter finds you well. I have a few concerns that have been plaguing my heart that I hope you may help in clearing it up.

    ............love Celine

    lol

    I started to read and already knew it is Celine jocolor . Unique personality i think.







    burgundia
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    Post  burgundia Thu Feb 17, 2011 2:59 pm

    Yes, lol..
    her every post is a joke...lol
    giovonni
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    Post  giovonni Fri Feb 18, 2011 1:22 pm

    burgundia
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    Post  burgundia Fri Feb 18, 2011 2:38 pm

    3 men are talking:
    "I think my wife is cheating on me with a postman because I found a bunch of letters under the bed."
    The second one:
    "I think my wife is cheating on me with a plumber because I found a French Key, and some pipes under the bed".
    The third guy says:
    "Hmmm...I think mt wife is cheating on me with a horse because I found a jockey under the bed".
    enemyofNWO
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    Post  enemyofNWO Sun Feb 20, 2011 12:15 pm

    Happy revolution baby .


    ClearWater
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    Post  ClearWater Thu Feb 24, 2011 2:59 am

    Senior Texting Codes

    Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you....

    ATD: At The Doctor's
    BFF: Best Friend Fell
    BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
    BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
    CBM: Covered By Medicare
    CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
    DWI: Driving While Incontinent
    FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
    FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
    FYI: Found Your Insulin
    GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
    GLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)
    GHA: Got Heartburn Again
    HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
    IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
    LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
    LMGA: Lost My Glasses Again
    LOL: Living On Lipitor
    LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
    OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
    OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
    ROFL & CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
    SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
    TTYL: Talk To You Louder
    WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
    WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
    WTP: Where's The Prunes?
    WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
    devakas
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    Humour - Page 8 Empty SH*T HAPPENS

    Post  devakas Thu Feb 24, 2011 10:14 am

    SH*T HAPPENS
    Taoism: **** happens.
    Confucianism: Confucius say, "**** happens."
    Buddhism: If **** happens, it isn't really ****.
    Zen Buddhism: **** is, and is not.
    Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of **** happening?
    Hinduism: This **** has happened before.
    Islam: If **** happens, it is the will of Allah.
    Islam #2: If **** happens, kill the person responsible.
    Islam #3: If **** happens, blame Israel.
    Catholicism: If **** happens, you deserve it.
    Protestantism: Let **** happen to someone else.
    Presbyterian: This **** was bound to happen.
    Episcopalian: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
    Methodist: It's not so bad if **** happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
    Congregationalist: **** that happens to one person is just as good as **** that happens to another.
    Unitarian: **** that happens to one person is just as bad as **** that happens to another.
    Lutheran: If **** happens, don't talk about it.
    Fundamentalism: If **** happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
    Fundamentalism #2: If **** happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
    Fundamentalism #3: **** must be born again.
    Judaism: Why does this **** always happen to us?
    Calvinism: **** happens because you don't work.
    Seventh Day Adventism: No **** shall happen on Saturday.
    Creationism: God made all ****.
    Secular Humanism: **** evolves.
    Christian Science: When **** happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
    Christian Science #2: **** happening is all in your mind.
    Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this ****.
    Quakers: Let us not fight over this ****.
    Utopianism: This **** does not stink.
    Darwinism: This **** was once food.
    Capitalism: That's MY ****.
    Communism: It's everybody's ****.
    Feminism: Men are ****.
    Chauvinism: We may be ****, but you can't live without us...
    Commercialism: Let's package this ****.
    Impressionism: From a distance, **** looks like a garden.
    Idolism: Let's bronze this ****.
    Existentialism: **** doesn't happen; **** IS.
    Existentialism #2: What is ****, anyway?
    Stoicism: This **** is good for me.
    Hedonism: There is nothing like a good **** happening!
    Mormonism: God sent us this ****.
    Mormonism #2: This **** is going to happen again.
    Wiccan: An it harm none, let **** happen.
    Scientology: If **** happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
    Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< **** happens.
    Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our ****?
    Jehovah's Witnesses #3: **** has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
    Moonies: Only really happy **** happens.
    Hare Krishna: **** happens, rama rama.
    Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this ****!
    Zoroastrianism: **** happens half on the time.
    Church of SubGenius: BoB ****s.
    Practical: Deal with **** one day at a time.
    Agnostic: **** might have happened; then again, maybe not.
    Agnostic #2: Did someone ****?
    Agnostic #3: What is this ****?
    Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
    Atheism: What ****?
    enemyofNWO
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    Post  enemyofNWO Sat Mar 05, 2011 3:58 am

    NO LIE ZONE OVER LIBYA - FKN Newz 030411



    mudra
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    Post  mudra Sat Mar 05, 2011 8:57 am

    Big trouble

    A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

    The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

    The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

    The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

    Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"

    At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

    The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"


    Love Always
    mudra
    mudra
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    Post  mudra Sat Mar 05, 2011 9:22 am

    A mother was preparing pancakes for her boys, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

    The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

    Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

    'If Jesus were sitting here, he would say,
    "Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait."'

    Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
    'Ryan, you be Jesus!'

    Love Always
    mudra
    giovonni
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    Post  giovonni Mon Mar 07, 2011 8:50 am

    scratch

    Hmmmmm...a new avatar?

    Humour - Page 8 Head_up_your_ass
    mudra
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    Post  mudra Mon Mar 07, 2011 3:32 pm

    The Mean Kitty Song

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qit3ALTelOo



    Love Always
    mudra
    devakas
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    Post  devakas Tue Mar 08, 2011 2:43 am

    Mary and Joseph in Palestine 2010
    by James Petras*

    Humour - Page 8 _90-2

      Current date/time is Thu May 16, 2024 10:51 pm