Humour

Since when did a lack of safety stop us from trying? lol

In the meantime, I am waiting for my spider powers to kick in.

Then there is capitalism -


LOS ANGELES — She promised the moon, for a sky-high price. He wasn't buying.

A woman who tried to sell what she said was a rare piece of moon rock for $1.7 million was detained when her would-be buyer turned out to be an undercover NASA agent, officials said Friday.

The gray rocks, which are considered national treasures and are illegal to sell, were given to each U.S. state and 136 countries by then-President Richard Nixon after U.S. moon missions and can sell for millions of dollars on the black market.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/43115697/ns/technology_and_science-space/t/woman-detained-nasa-moon-rock-sting/?GT1=43001

A classic

Obama's 'Beast' limo bottoms out on a ramp in Ireland...
http://www.rte.ie/news/av/2011/0523/media-2963651.html

A first-grade teacher, MS Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'


Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'


Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and heagreed to take the test.


Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'


Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'


Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'


Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: 'Pockets.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.


Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'


The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'


Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'


Harry: 'Shake hands.'


The principal was trembling.


Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'


Harry:
'Firetruck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

This one had me laughing out loud.


The IRS Audits Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-
time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'Grandpa says, 'I'll bet
you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'The auditor thinks a moment and
says, 'It's a bet.'Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'Now
the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures
and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks... 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand
on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop
anywhere in between.'The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides
there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make
the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that
you'd be happy about it!'

atticus, Charles, Steve, whatever lands roll in long running english soap opera and attempts to infiltrate conspiracy forums from inside a tv set with the aid of his willing accomplices planted in the various forums..but fails

Found this one in Serbian papers:

Superman and Spider man in a good chat ...

Spiderman:

Look how I am blessed! God gave me the ability to be who I am, I can make nets and be very strong and do all kind of stuff!

Superman:

Nah! Look what God gave me! I can fly and I am bulletproof!


Then in the midst of the chat Chuck Norris bumps in and states:

Boys ,I don't recall that I gave anything to anyone...

[i]

Beren wrote:Found this one in Serbian papers:

Superman and Spider man in a good chat ...

Spiderman:

Look how I am blessed! God gave me the ability to be who I am, I can make nets and be very strong and do all kind of stuff!

Superman:

Nah! Look what God gave me! I can fly and I am bulletproof!


Then in the midst of the chat Chuck Norris bumps in and states:

Boys ,I don't recall that I gave anything to anyone...

[i]

INTERESTING FACTS....


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

There are four questions - big spaces in between for obvious reasons - so please, keep scrolling, you will know when you have come to the end!!!!





1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
















The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.









2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?











Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator'?

Wrong answer.

Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.














3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals
Attend ...... Except one. Which animal does not attend?






















Correct answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there!
This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly,
You still have one more chance to show your true abilities.







4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles and
You do not have a boat. How do you manage it?























Correct answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening?
All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.


According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Carol wrote:INTERESTING FACTS....


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

(and seeing how their thumbs stack up against others).



That is one gifted smiley!



Wait...as if not enough pressure...now I need TWO thumbs?

Which thumb do I use for the test?

Hmmm...either way, close enough. lol

I feel so enlightened, now. Still not sure what I want to do when I grow up. hehe

On my last post, just to set the record straight. I got the answers ALL WRONG. Needless to say I need to return to pre-school.

Carol wrote:On my last post, just to set the record straight. I got the answers ALL WRONG. Needless to say I need to return to pre-school.

I got all of them wrong, also. I could not figure out how to put a giraffe in a refrigerator, even if it was butcthered for food.

While in my work I try to get people NOT to ignore the proverbial "elephant in the living room", I think the one in the refrigerator might pose some additional barriers to a comprehensive care plan.

Sorry for any typos, Carol. I seem to be all thumbs, today.


Heheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I got them all wrong too .
What a left brain riddle !!!



Love from me
mudra

A Question though - Back @ this litle Quiz...

Point 1 - In My World both a Giraffe and an Elephant would never fit in a Refrigerator and if They could It would be called a Cooler - Not a Refrigerator...

Point 2 - Animals are generally considered to be Mammals. That said - Crocodiles and Alligators are Reptiles and thats a whole different Genus. To say They were at the Party with all of the Animals - Because They're Animals - Leaves Me thinking that the Quiz Makers weren't as smart as some of those Who've taken this Test.

Simply put - Most of the Questions were trick in Nature. You Peeps need to give Yourselves more Credit IMO...

Mercuriel wrote:A Question though - Back @ this litle Quiz...

Point 1 - In My World both a Giraffe and an Elephant would never fit in a Refrigerator and if They could It would be called a Cooler - Not a Refrigerator...

Point 2 - Animals are generally considered to be Mammals. That said - Crocodiles and Alligators are Reptiles and thats a whole different Genus. To say They were at the Party with all of the Animals - Because They're Animals - Leaves Me thinking that the Quiz Makers weren't as smart as some of those Who've taken this Test.

Simply put - Most of the Questions were trick in Nature. You Peeps need to give Yourselves more Credit IMO...

Sometimes I wonder about you Merc. Indeed, I do.

Mercuriel wrote:
Simply put - Most of the Questions were trick in Nature. You Peeps need to give Yourselves more Credit IMO...

Ohhh .. I did'nt discredit myself for having all my answers wrong Mercuriel ... rather I was quite happy

Love for you
mudra

‎"How are those drug addicts behind me supposed to tweak properly with all your second-hand smoke blowing in their faces?" -- Samantha Bee reporting on New York City's latest smoking ban.


http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-june-20-2011/new-york-city-outdoor-smoking-ban?xrs=synd_facebook

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET #12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied;
'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor,

When she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident! ... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.


He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"



He replied, "No money in the bank."



"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.



He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."


The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The Arabs aren't happy.

They're not happy in Gaza . They're not happy in Egypt . They're not
happy in Libya . They're not happy in Morocco . They're not happy in
Iran . They're not happy in Iraq . They're not happy in Yemen . They're
not happy in Afghanistan . They're not happy in Pakistan . They're not
happy in Syria . They're not happy in Lebanon .

And where are they happy?

They're happy in England . They're happy in France . They're happy in
Italy . They're happy in Germany . They're happy in Sweden . They're
happy in the USA . They're happy in Norway . They're happy in every
country that is not Muslim. And who do they blame? Not Islam. Not
their leadership. Not themselves.



THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN.