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51 posters
Humour
We Are You- Posts : 1550
Join date : 2011-09-19
Location : Here
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFxnBrO9n7o&feature=player_embedded
What giraffes do when you are not looking.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Retirement Dinner
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading
local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had
been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered
my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come
to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading
local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had
been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered
my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come
to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.
He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
'I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,' said the
politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'
Moral : Never, Never, Never Be Late
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Baby Duck Can't Stay Awake
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Mercuriel- Admin
- Posts : 3497
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Walking the Path...
_________________
Namaste...
Peace, Light, Love, Harmony and Unity...
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Good one Mercuriel!
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog . . . but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor . . . you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining . . . as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . . when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . . .to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions . . . you feel younger than everyone else looks? - This is soooo true.
9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . . who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am . . . like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game" . . . when his or her team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where . . . 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . . there's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . . not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . . we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness . . . but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . . you're probably dead. (Just stop eating sugar which creates inflamation = Life without pain)
20. Always be yourself, because the people that matter don't mind . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . but it's still a gift.
22. When I was young… it wasn’t my back that was stiff when I awoke in the morning.
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog . . . but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor . . . you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining . . . as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is . . . when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark . . .to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important . . . because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions . . . you feel younger than everyone else looks? - This is soooo true.
9. Scratch a cat (or dog) . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy (or girl) . . . who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am . . . like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says, "It's only a game" . . . when his or her team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where . . . 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print . . . there's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that . . . not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years . . . we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness . . . but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Yugo.
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint . . . you're probably dead. (Just stop eating sugar which creates inflamation = Life without pain)
20. Always be yourself, because the people that matter don't mind . . . and the ones that mind don't matter.
21. Life isn't tied with a bow . . . but it's still a gift.
22. When I was young… it wasn’t my back that was stiff when I awoke in the morning.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Something I found from WAY.
A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.
A married couple is traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George.
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.
"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed topay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
-------------------------
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)
-------------------------
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Those Questions No One Can Answer
Why does rain drop and snow falls?
What disease did cured ham have?
What's the difference between unique and very unique?
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Why does rain drop and snow falls?
What disease did cured ham have?
What's the difference between unique and very unique?
We put in our two cents, but only get a penny for our thoughts. Who gets the extra penny?
When do you become important enough to be considered assassinated and not just murdered?
Can you cry under water?
Who decided that a round pizza should be put in a square box?
Why did we put a man on the moon before we realized it would be a good idea to make luggage with wheels?
Last edited by Carol on Sat May 25, 2013 11:27 am; edited 1 time in total
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,"I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,"I married one for
the money, two for the show, three to get ready,
and four to go."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Something to Ponder
---This is an old one but its still worth another read
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect
and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked
pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home
only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do..
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to
leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your
side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds
on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty
to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and
rewarding..
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for
the good in them.
SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path!
And share this with any or all of your Cracked Pot friends
---This is an old one but its still worth another read
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a
pole which she carried across her neck.
One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect
and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked
pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home
only one and a half pots of water.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.
But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and
miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do..
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the
woman one day by the stream.
'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to
leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your
side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?'
'That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds
on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.'
For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to
decorate the table.
Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty
to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we
each have that make our lives together so very interesting and
rewarding..
You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for
the good in them.
SO, to all of my cracked pot friends, have a great day and remember to
smell the flowers on your side of the path!
And share this with any or all of your Cracked Pot friends
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Brook- Posts : 3469
Join date : 2010-08-21
Age : 71
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Reactions To Seeing A Dinosaur: Two Little Girls At The Zoo React Appropriately
One child's dream is another's nightmare.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Our society is doomed...............
IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician,
'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,MS
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
-- From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
-- Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
-- She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company
due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
-- This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,
couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
-- A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
IDIOT SIGHTING
I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car,
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department
and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I
watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician,
'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton ,MS
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
-- From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City
IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
-- Happened in Birmingham , Ala.
IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
-- She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company
due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
-- This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,
couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
-- A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING
How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."
They walk among us......and they VOTE
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
In a convent in Ireland,
the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed
trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink
but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass
Back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey
that had been received as a gift
the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed,
they held the glass to her lips.
The frail nun drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew it,
she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity
to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"Don't sell that cow."
the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed
trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink
but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass
Back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey
that had been received as a gift
the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount
into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed,
they held the glass to her lips.
The frail nun drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew it,
she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity
to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom
before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:
"Don't sell that cow."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Adorable - This will put a smile on your face.
Elephant, the orangutan and the hound dog
VIDEO: http://www.wimp.com/orangutandog/
Elephant, the orangutan and the hound dog
VIDEO: http://www.wimp.com/orangutandog/
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box..
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box..
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!!!
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could legally do to him.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
CIGARETTE AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct isle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls & a string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes & she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers because it's so-o-o-o much cheaper.
So I figure if i have to roll my own.........so does she!"
( I figure this is the guy on the milk carton!)
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
A s they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious,
he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always arough draft before the masterpiece
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Brook- Posts : 3469
Join date : 2010-08-21
Age : 71
WARNING: It's addicting!
Aquaries1111- Posts : 1394
Join date : 2012-06-02
Age : 55
Location : In the Suns
Brook- Posts : 3469
Join date : 2010-08-21
Age : 71
Micjer- Posts : 1684
Join date : 2010-04-29
Location : Canada
Actually not funny. Scary!
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32882
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Hgz8aH9zJQ&feature=player_embedded
The owner recieved noise complaints, set up a nanny cam. This is what they saw LOL
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol