+7
bobhardee
enemyofNWO
JesterTerrestrial
mudra
B.B.Baghor
Brook
Carol
11 posters
Humor - continued 2nd thread
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Subject: Wonderfully British
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me: I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me: I'm me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood.
What do you say to that?"
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
A burgler breaks in a house tonight where the owners are not at home. So he steps in the first room trying to find something of value.
Then he hears a strange voice speaking to him: Jesus and I are watching you!
He looks around but cannot see anybody, so he goes into another room. Again the voice speaks: Jesus and I are watching you!
The burgler now looks up and around, nobody is to see. He goes further along a floor into another room and again he hears the voice: Jesus and I are watching you!
He looks at a table in the corner where a cute parrot sits and looks at him.
The burgler says: Hey, what a funny bird are you?
The parrot says: my name is Hippokrates
"What a strange name for a parrot" says the burgler.
"Yes" replies the parrot "... But Jesus is a strange name for a rottweiler too"
Then he hears a strange voice speaking to him: Jesus and I are watching you!
He looks around but cannot see anybody, so he goes into another room. Again the voice speaks: Jesus and I are watching you!
The burgler now looks up and around, nobody is to see. He goes further along a floor into another room and again he hears the voice: Jesus and I are watching you!
He looks at a table in the corner where a cute parrot sits and looks at him.
The burgler says: Hey, what a funny bird are you?
The parrot says: my name is Hippokrates
"What a strange name for a parrot" says the burgler.
"Yes" replies the parrot "... But Jesus is a strange name for a rottweiler too"
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
B.B.Baghor- Posts : 1851
Join date : 2014-01-31
Age : 73
Location : Druid county UK
A funny and simple invention. 
video instructions included
Making phone speakers from cups and a toilet roll
18 July 2015 Last updated at 10:35 BST
There are some occasions where you may want to boost the volume of your smartphone, but do not have access to an external speaker.
BBC Click's Kate Russell gives a step-by-step guide on how to create a simple speaker with two paper cups and a toilet roll.
Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-33520367
video instructions included Making phone speakers from cups and a toilet roll
18 July 2015 Last updated at 10:35 BST
There are some occasions where you may want to boost the volume of your smartphone, but do not have access to an external speaker.
BBC Click's Kate Russell gives a step-by-step guide on how to create a simple speaker with two paper cups and a toilet roll.
Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-33520367
mudra- Posts : 23307
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love Always
mudra
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for XXXX sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a XXXX whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last Xxxxxxxx people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another Xxxxxxxx copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the Ooopsey' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some xxxxxxxx to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic Ooopsey' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for XXXX sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a XXXX whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last Xxxxxxxx people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another Xxxxxxxx copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the Ooopsey' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some xxxxxxxx to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic Ooopsey' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Well, while you are all amused by the passport letter here is a banking letter someone else posted ::: Below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to p**s us off.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published.
---------------------------------------------------
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? Your Humble Client And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to p**s us off.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.
Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex wife!", she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!"
Tom's reply: "I wasn't.........."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Subject: The Fifty Dollar Lesson
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as
they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl
what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her
parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what
would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said..."But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds,
and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore. Do you know any Republicans
that would get a chuckle out of this? "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to
defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself."
Recently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as
they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl
what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her
parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, "If you were President what
would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied... "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."
Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow...what a worthy goal!" I said..."But you don't have to wait until
you're President to do that!"
"What do you mean?" she replied.
So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds,
and trim my hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the grocery store
where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents aren't speaking to me anymore. Do you know any Republicans
that would get a chuckle out of this? "The truth is like a lion. You don't have to
defend it. Let it loose. It will defend itself."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
B.B.Baghor- Posts : 1851
Join date : 2014-01-31
Age : 73
Location : Druid county UK
Ah, I understand better now, about being a Republican, Carol, by that logic in the story with
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
Here's something quite different, I'm enjoying it during baking for the harvest dinner in the Communal
Hall tonight, while going through 2nd childhood at the same time... sort of..... These stories show the
to me so delightfull English sense of humor, sarcastic and wry but mostly good-humored coming from
a good heart. Here's Bernard Cribbins reading for you the adventures of Paddington. He traveled far,
he's bear from the darkest Peru
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Uil5vi0cq0
There's much more where this tubby comes from, now it's getting very warm here with the oven on
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
Here's something quite different, I'm enjoying it during baking for the harvest dinner in the Communal
Hall tonight, while going through 2nd childhood at the same time... sort of..... These stories show the
to me so delightfull English sense of humor, sarcastic and wry but mostly good-humored coming from
a good heart. Here's Bernard Cribbins reading for you the adventures of Paddington. He traveled far,
he's bear from the darkest Peru
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Uil5vi0cq0
There's much more where this tubby comes from, now it's getting very warm here with the oven on
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
"The master in the art of life makes little distinction between his work and his play;
his labour and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his vacation; his love and his religion.
He hardly knows which is which.
He simply pursues his vision of excellence in whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing.
To him, he is always doing both."
Lawrence Pearsall Jacks (l.P. Jacks), 1930s
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Work
A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself, he always appears to be doing both. ~
his labour and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his vacation; his love and his religion.
He hardly knows which is which.
He simply pursues his vision of excellence in whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing.
To him, he is always doing both."
Lawrence Pearsall Jacks (l.P. Jacks), 1930s
https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Work
A master in the art of living draws no sharp distinction between his work and his play; his labor and his leisure; his mind and his body; his education and his recreation. He hardly knows which is which. He simply pursues his vision of excellence through whatever he is doing, and leaves others to determine whether he is working or playing. To himself, he always appears to be doing both. ~
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
(learn) Murphy's 15 Other Laws
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
B.B.Baghor wrote:Ah, I understand better now, about being a Republican, Carol, by that logic in the story with
"Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
Here's something quite different, I'm enjoying it during baking for the harvest dinner in the Communal
Hall tonight, while going through 2nd childhood at the same time... sort of..... These stories show the
to me so delightfull English sense of humor, sarcastic and wry but mostly good-humored coming from
a good heart. Here's Bernard Cribbins reading for you the adventures of Paddington. He traveled far,
he's bear from the darkest Peru
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Uil5vi0cq0
TY for posting this BB as I enjoy the delightfull English sense of humor, sarcastic and wry but mostly good-humored coming from
a good heart too.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
How children perceive their Grandparents
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and replied, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised ... . . "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said . . . "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple", replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder, pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?", she asked.
"Sure", replied the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back", said one child.
"No", said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong . . . They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "80". My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and replied, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?", he asked.
"I don't know", she replied. "I can't read."
7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to avoid attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa", he advised ... . . "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said . . . "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple", replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant", said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder, pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?", she asked.
"Sure", replied the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back", said one child.
"No", said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "You're both wrong . . . They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED , ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE. DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. "And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. "
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. "And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. "
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Tragic but True
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:
“The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
Trump: “THAT’S THE ONE!”
Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump walk into a bar and grab a booth. Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says:
“The media is really tearing you apart for that scandal.”
Hillary: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean Obama arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens’ phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s threat to impose gun control by Executive Order in order to bypass Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s repeated violation of the law requiring me to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Obama’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck citizens again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”
Trump: “THAT’S THE ONE!”
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
B.B.Baghor- Posts : 1851
Join date : 2014-01-31
Age : 73
Location : Druid county UK
Carol wrote:HOW THE INTERNET STARTED , ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE. DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. "And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. "
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff.
Wonderful witty, great to see Biblical names transformed into cool www names and bring the message home that way, so clearly.
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
DURING A RECENT PASSWORD AUDIT BY A COMPANY, IT WAS FOUND THAT AN EMPLOYEE WAS USING THE FOLLOWING PASSWORD
"MICKEYMINNIEPLUTOHUEYLOUISDEWEYDONALDGOOFYSACRAMENTO"
WHEN ASKED HY SHE HAD SUCH A LONG PASSWORD, SHE ROLLED HER EYES AND SAID: "HELLO! IT HAS TO BE AT LEAST 8 CHARACTERS AND INCLUDE A CAPITAL."
"MICKEYMINNIEPLUTOHUEYLOUISDEWEYDONALDGOOFYSACRAMENTO"
WHEN ASKED HY SHE HAD SUCH A LONG PASSWORD, SHE ROLLED HER EYES AND SAID: "HELLO! IT HAS TO BE AT LEAST 8 CHARACTERS AND INCLUDE A CAPITAL."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
B.B.Baghor- Posts : 1851
Join date : 2014-01-31
Age : 73
Location : Druid county UK
When I found the umpth example of politeness in English people, lately, at the counter of a shop,
causing confusion and awkwardness, the customer behind me in the queue whispered "Oh my,
always that politeness!" and I turned to him and said "I wonder what's present behind the facade"
He began to show a gleam in his eyes and said "It's said that the sun will always shine on England,
but somebody commented on that, saying "It's because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark"
!Hmmmmm
mmmmmH?
causing confusion and awkwardness, the customer behind me in the queue whispered "Oh my,
always that politeness!" and I turned to him and said "I wonder what's present behind the facade"
He began to show a gleam in his eyes and said "It's said that the sun will always shine on England,
but somebody commented on that, saying "It's because God doesn't trust an Englishman in the dark"
!Hmmmmm
mmmmmH?
NANUXII- Posts : 608
Join date : 2015-04-30
Location : Antares
i found this pop up ad totally hillarious !
" Microsoft Deems Privacy A Fundamental Right, Asks U.S. And EU Governments To Obey It
Brad Smith, Microsoft's Chief Legal Officer, argued that privacy is a fundamental right of people in both the U.S. and the EU, and their governments will have to agree on data transfer rules that respect that right. "
now thats funny
" Microsoft Deems Privacy A Fundamental Right, Asks U.S. And EU Governments To Obey It
Brad Smith, Microsoft's Chief Legal Officer, argued that privacy is a fundamental right of people in both the U.S. and the EU, and their governments will have to agree on data transfer rules that respect that right. "
now thats funny
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
God's Plan For Aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32908
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
He did not have a GPS...
The Funeral . . . Real Emotion
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a guy thing.
The Funeral . . . Real Emotion
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost.... it's a guy thing.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
B.B.Baghor- Posts : 1851
Join date : 2014-01-31
Age : 73
Location : Druid county UK
A funny thing happened last week. I visited the museum in Wells, with a memorandum of WWI, displayed in a mock trench
with bloody artifacts and a loud audio-track, repeated every few minutes. Sounds of shooting and shouting, running feet, etc.
I tried to concentrate on an exhibition of embroidery, created by young 19th century girls, in a room next to that "trench".
When the tape with sounds of war started again, I couldn't stand it anymore and went downstairs to the counter.
To the manager sitting behind it I said "Those sounds of war upstairs, it makes me feel I don't want to hear it anymore".
One of the visitors (the main entrance is a tourist-office too) stood silently taking it in, turned to her companion and
repeated my one-liner. She said "Those sounds of war upstairs, it makes me feel I don't want to hear it
anymore.... Well, I think that's the best way to express it" and those present in there, began to talk about
the issue of this peculiar soundscape.
Meanwhile, I was in the other room taking my coat and upon my return in the office, the manager confidentially told me
"We're hoping that this exhibition won't be the full 4 years, as is planned. They've decided to remember the 4 years of
WWI in this way. But we, she pointed at her companion behind the counter, really hope we won't have to hear it all 4
years long!"
A moment later she invited me to be a volunteer, in the museum, for the Dutch visitors. For she found that myEnglish was
excellent. Me, a volunteer? Never in 4 years time!
with bloody artifacts and a loud audio-track, repeated every few minutes. Sounds of shooting and shouting, running feet, etc.
I tried to concentrate on an exhibition of embroidery, created by young 19th century girls, in a room next to that "trench".
When the tape with sounds of war started again, I couldn't stand it anymore and went downstairs to the counter.
To the manager sitting behind it I said "Those sounds of war upstairs, it makes me feel I don't want to hear it anymore".
One of the visitors (the main entrance is a tourist-office too) stood silently taking it in, turned to her companion and
repeated my one-liner. She said "Those sounds of war upstairs, it makes me feel I don't want to hear it
anymore.... Well, I think that's the best way to express it" and those present in there, began to talk about
the issue of this peculiar soundscape.
Meanwhile, I was in the other room taking my coat and upon my return in the office, the manager confidentially told me
"We're hoping that this exhibition won't be the full 4 years, as is planned. They've decided to remember the 4 years of
WWI in this way. But we, she pointed at her companion behind the counter, really hope we won't have to hear it all 4
years long!"
A moment later she invited me to be a volunteer, in the museum, for the Dutch visitors. For she found that myEnglish was
excellent. Me, a volunteer? Never in 4 years time!