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51 posters
Humour
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32800
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
- Post n°901
Re: Humour
A man buys a parrot at the pet store. upon getting the bird home, he discovers that the parrot has a very vulgar mouth. the man contantly warns the parrot to clean up his mouth or he will toss him in the freezer. undaunted, the parrot continues to cuss a blue streak. finally, the man tosses the bird into his freezer. after a few minutes, he hears a knocking on the freezer door. when he opens it, the parrots says "I'll be good and no more cussing. but first, you got to tell me what the chicken was guilty of?"
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32800
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
- Post n°902
Re: Humour
Harry the Hyponist came to the old folks home to entertain. As 120 people sat in the lobby he began to swing am old gold watch, saying keep your eyes on this was and I will control your mind. As 240 eyes were going back and forth the chain broke and the watch crashed to the floor. Harry said "crap"!!! It took 9 hours to clean the lobby and harry will never be invited back!!
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°904
Re: Humour
Funny Cats & Dogs Video - America's Funniest Home Videos
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxZn481BwyA
Love Always
mudra
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxZn481BwyA
Love Always
mudra
bobhardee- Posts : 3456
Join date : 2012-09-08
Age : 74
Location : The Sandhills of SC
- Post n°905
Re: Humour
Humor
- Attachments
- funny.jpg
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Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32800
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
- Post n°906
Re: Humour
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h***. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the d*** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day The d*** snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white s**** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to p***. By the time I got undressed, p***ed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think the a**h*** is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b**** and
beat him to death with my broken shovel.. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the d*** snowplow.
December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the d***
slop tonight - Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. D***, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the h*** did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B------ is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his a?. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see
snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn't
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like h***. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the d*** stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day The d*** snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white s**** fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to p***. By the time I got undressed, p***ed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he's too busy.
I think the a**h*** is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago?
She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a b**** who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his b**** and
beat him to death with my broken shovel.. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the d*** snowplow.
December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the d***
slop tonight - Snowed in.
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. D***, I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a idiot.
If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the h*** did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The B------ is
driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his a?. The wife went home to
her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me.
Why am I tied to the bed?
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32800
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
- Post n°907
Re: Humour
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
THEeXchanger- Posts : 5352
Join date : 2011-06-04
Location : My own little heaven on earth
- Post n°908
Re: Humour
THEeXchanger- Posts : 5352
Join date : 2011-06-04
Location : My own little heaven on earth
- Post n°909
Re: Humour
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°910
Re: Humour
Love Always
mudra
bobhardee- Posts : 3456
Join date : 2012-09-08
Age : 74
Location : The Sandhills of SC
- Post n°911
Re: Humour
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°912
Re: Humour
removed as posted in wrong thread
Last edited by mudra on Wed Nov 06, 2013 11:02 am; edited 1 time in total
mattpresti- Posts : 52
Join date : 2011-03-26
Location : Universe City
- Post n°913
Woodgetter
Don't know if ya'll will dig some good ol country down home humor...but here goes anyhoot.
Enjoy. Laughter is really the best medicine especially in a world like ours.
Enjoy. Laughter is really the best medicine especially in a world like ours.
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°914
Re: Humour
Love Always
mudra
Jenetta- Posts : 1978
Join date : 2010-04-16
Location : British Columbia Canada
- Post n°915
Re: Humour
Good one Mudra!!
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32800
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
- Post n°916
Re: Humour
How men and women record things in their diaries......
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and that his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was
upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted and that his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep;
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
A two-foot putt... who the hell misses a two-foot putt ?
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°917
Re: Humour
Haha Carol .. that 's when the husband finally notices his wife and says:
Love Always
mudra
Love Always
mudra
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 32800
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
- Post n°918
Re: Humour
good one mudra.. take a look at this. Best SURPRISE card trick ever.
https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/Uh0CMcLiRkw%26feature=share
https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/Uh0CMcLiRkw%26feature=share
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°919
Re: Humour
Nice CarolCarol wrote:good one mudra.. take a look at this. Best SURPRISE card trick ever.
https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/Uh0CMcLiRkw%26feature=share
Love from me
mudra
bobhardee- Posts : 3456
Join date : 2012-09-08
Age : 74
Location : The Sandhills of SC
- Post n°920
Re: Humour
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°921
Re: Humour
Love Always
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°922
Re: Humour
Love Always
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°923
Re: Humour
The 35 Naughtiest Dogs On The Planet. You'll Laugh So Hard When You See What They Did!
enjoy more : http://distractify.com/fun/fails/dogs-who-are-shamelessly-proud-of-what-they-just-did/
Love Always
mudra
enjoy more : http://distractify.com/fun/fails/dogs-who-are-shamelessly-proud-of-what-they-just-did/
Love Always
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23301
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 69
Location : belgium
- Post n°924
Re: Humour
Ha ha
Love from me
mudra
Love from me
mudra