An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl. The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from. It was a rare antique worth thousands. He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat. "He's not for sale." Says the store owner. "That's ridiculous!" Says the collector. "He is one of the ugliest cats I've seen. He must be for sale. I'll give you $100.00 for him." The store owner thought for a second and said "It's a deal." The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks "For that price I'm sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it." The store owner says " No way. That's my lucky bowl. From that bowl I've sold 26 cats this week!"
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51 posters
Humour
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies, and sagging pants, arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter:
"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates."
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I’ll be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter:
"How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, “Well, they're gone."
“The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.
"No. The Pearly Gates."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love Always
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love Always
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love from me
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love Always
mudra
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love Always
mudra
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Potato warning
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.Of course, they wanted the best for Yam so when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Gary Lineker.
" Gary Lineker!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Gary Lineker because he's just ........
Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
*
*
*
*
... a COMMONTATER!"
*
*
*
*
*
... a COMMONTATER!"
Last edited by Carol on Fri Oct 18, 2013 10:19 pm; edited 1 time in total
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
magamud- Posts : 1280
Join date : 2012-06-17
Can Floyd comeback and make me think there wont be nuclear war?
Brook- Posts : 3469
Join date : 2010-08-21
Age : 71
What you could hear inside the house:
Mom to son: Hold still, I can't get the splinter out of your toe if you keep moving and screaming!
What you heard outside the house:
Son: *Screaming at the top of his lungs* NO MOMMY, NO, NOT THE NEEDLE! PLEASE MOMMY, NO, NOT THE NEEDLE! AAAAAGH! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME, MOMMY! PLEASE MOMMY! IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS! NOT THE NEEDLE!
Mom to son: Hold still, I can't get the splinter out of your toe if you keep moving and screaming!
What you heard outside the house:
Son: *Screaming at the top of his lungs* NO MOMMY, NO, NOT THE NEEDLE! PLEASE MOMMY, NO, NOT THE NEEDLE! AAAAAGH! WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME, MOMMY! PLEASE MOMMY! IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS! NOT THE NEEDLE!
Brook- Posts : 3469
Join date : 2010-08-21
Age : 71
I had to explain to my husband why I wanted to learn to use the longbow and not a compound bow (hubby prefers to shoot a compound bow). The zombie apocalypse (seemed obvious to me, but hey). You can make a longbow easily with parts available in nature. You cannot make a compound bow easily. Break it, you have nothing until you can get to the nearest sports store that is hopefully zombie-free or at least zombie-few-enough-to-kill. And then you have to hope it hasn't already been cleared of weapons. Sheesh. Get with the program.
Floyd- Posts : 4104
Join date : 2010-04-16
This bbc presenter picked up a pile of photocopy paper instead of his news ipad when reading the news. Classic.
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Who is Kidding Who? A three-year-old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left shoe was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're MY feet!"
Philosophy of Love? You truly love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, You either married it OR gave birth to it!
A good reminder today: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them…. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My aunt had 4 boys, who always hollered when came into the bath room to get there dirty clothes,...she would say with respect to them, ok close your eyes im coming in,....lol it took them years to figure out the wrong one was closing tthere eyes.
It’s Printed on the Bottom A little boy returned from a trip with his father to visit the neighbor’s new kittens. He excitedly told his mother there were four new kittens: two boys and two girls. The mother asked him how he knew which were boys and which were girls. The little boy replied, “Dad picked them up, and looked under them. I guess it’s printed on the bottom.”
Bad Luck? A man was just coming out of a coma when he sees his devoted wife sitting close by. He motions for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.” You know what else?” he asked. “What, dear?” she gently asked, smiling. “I think you’re bad luck!
It’s Called a What? Most people know that a group of cattle is known as a herd, and chickens travel in broods. But some of our animal friends hang-out together in groups with very unusual names. A group of baboons is known as a troop. Caterpillars travel in armies, and a set of cats is known as a cluster. Coyotes are grouped in a pack, and dolphins in a pod. A bowl of goldfish is a troubling, and hens hang out in a brood. A group of hippopotami is a bloat, a bevy of eagles is a convocation and a family of crocodiles is a bask.
Philosophy of Love? You truly love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, watches your TV, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you actually set it free in the first place, You either married it OR gave birth to it!
A good reminder today: “Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them…. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My aunt had 4 boys, who always hollered when came into the bath room to get there dirty clothes,...she would say with respect to them, ok close your eyes im coming in,....lol it took them years to figure out the wrong one was closing tthere eyes.
It’s Printed on the Bottom A little boy returned from a trip with his father to visit the neighbor’s new kittens. He excitedly told his mother there were four new kittens: two boys and two girls. The mother asked him how he knew which were boys and which were girls. The little boy replied, “Dad picked them up, and looked under them. I guess it’s printed on the bottom.”
Bad Luck? A man was just coming out of a coma when he sees his devoted wife sitting close by. He motions for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.” You know what else?” he asked. “What, dear?” she gently asked, smiling. “I think you’re bad luck!
It’s Called a What? Most people know that a group of cattle is known as a herd, and chickens travel in broods. But some of our animal friends hang-out together in groups with very unusual names. A group of baboons is known as a troop. Caterpillars travel in armies, and a set of cats is known as a cluster. Coyotes are grouped in a pack, and dolphins in a pod. A bowl of goldfish is a troubling, and hens hang out in a brood. A group of hippopotami is a bloat, a bevy of eagles is a convocation and a family of crocodiles is a bask.
Last edited by Carol on Fri Oct 18, 2013 10:14 pm; edited 1 time in total
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
What do you think?
MONASTERY LIFE
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by
hand
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years..
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'W e missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What ' s wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!'
MONASTERY LIFE
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by
hand
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first
copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.
The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for
centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years..
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot..
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
'W e missed the R!
We missed the R!
We missed the R!'
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What ' s wrong, father?'
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
'The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!'
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued--and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the "fires."
*NOW FOR THE BEST PART: After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won first place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued--and WON! (Stay with me.)
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.
The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the "fires."
*NOW FOR THE BEST PART: After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won first place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
mudra- Posts : 23312
Join date : 2010-04-09
Age : 70
Location : belgium
Love Always
mudra
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Elderly Man Thinks Fast>>>An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
MEMORIES>>> A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'Sure.'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.'No, I can remember it.'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.''I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down.' she says.Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. Where's my toast?' Nothing enhances the good old days more than a poor memory.
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
Getting Older>> Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich ."The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol
Carol- Admin
- Posts : 33023
Join date : 2010-04-07
Location : Hawaii
A little bird tarried too long before flying south for the winter. as he left, a terrrible snow storm hit. struggling to fly south, he soon had to land on the ground completely exhausted, wings frozen, and chilled to the bone. As he sat there, he worried that this would be his demise. When suddenly, a cow walks up and poops a large cow pie on the bird. the bird, completely covered up is terrified at first. then he begins to realize that it is quite warm and toasty under the cow pie. Feeling better, he begins to sing in joy and happiness. As he sings, he begins to feel the cow pie above him being moved away. He looks up as daylight shines on him to see a wolf's maw swallowing him up. The moral of the story - not everyone who poops on you is your enemy and not everyone who digs you out from the poop is your friend.
Old-Timer Woes.>>> At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains. "My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a short moment of silence."Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
_________________
What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night, the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
With deepest respect ~ Aloha & Mahalo, Carol