(Imagine the following being read by Victoria Wood, Julie Walters or Joyce Grenfell ...)
"WI advice on self-isolation:
Mobberly WI have issued the following guidance for isolation.
"Right ladies, Judith Bickerstaffe has kindly emailed the crochet patterns for the face masks and matching underwear sets. Anyone who runs out of wool should message Delia who will leave fresh supplies in a vacuum sealed sandwich bag on your doorstep. She will knock the theme tune to Miami Vice on your door so you know it's her, you'll have to take pot luck on colours, but I do know there is a particularly lovely shade of burnt copper.
Mavis has drawn up a rota for the Haz Mat suit and WW2 Gas Mask, it is one size fits all so please don't specify size requirements.
If any of our less able members need provisions such as bread, milk, wine, Gin or pickled walnuts please contact Cynthia, who will pop to the shops for you providing her moped isn't being used by her grandson for pizza deliveries.
Laura will go ahead with her useful and inspirational talk on Christmas and other gifts made from j-cloths via Skype.
Currently we will have to abandon our collection of soft toys made from used hosiery, particularly after that unfortunate incident when Derek Malmsbury was found doing unspeakable things to the elephant made by his wife, Nora. I'm sure we all support Nora at this upsetting time. Apparently they WERE Derek's fishnets, which is why he was confused and why he wanted them back. Still that should never be done to a child's soft toy.
Connie is finishing off the template for making an emergency face mask and draft excluder from a spare bra. I know some members have raised concern that as Connie is a 46GG she has more material to work with than most, but she assures me her template will be scalable from 32 A upwards.
Audrey wants to apologize for the mix-up with the medication run, but please be rest assured Joan suffered no side effects from taking Marjorie Butterworth's husband Viagra and haliborange. And likewise Marjorie's husband seems to have responded really well to the HRT. Marjorie says they even agreed on the pattern for their new curtains.
Sad news because of the Government announcement, the trip to Leeds and 'Miss Fifi's Private Dungeon and Macrame club' has been postponed and at this moment we don't have a rescheduled date.
Great news: we have already started collecting prizes for the summer fayre raffle. It looks like the star prize this year may well be a pack of 9 Andrex Quilted Aloe Vera toilet rolls. Shortly followed by a complete set of knitted Nolan Sisters toilet roll covers. Mavis says any resemblance between Colleen and Anne Widdecombe is purely coincidental.
Right Ladies I must dash, I hear Springitts has just had a fresh delivery of tinned prunes."